Being Best Friends

In the grand adventure of love and romance, we often overlook a crucial element that holds immense power: the significance of being best friends with our partners.

While the allure of romance and attraction is undeniable, we must not underestimate the transformative impact of cultivating a genuine friendship within our relationships.

It is all too easy to overlook this fundamental pillar, yet investing in a solid foundation of friendship can be the catalyst for lasting happiness and genuine emotional connection.

Let us delve into the oft-forgotten realm of friendship and discover how its presence can elevate the quality and endurance of our most cherished relationships. We’ll explore the significance of nurturing the friendship part of the relationship and provide valuable tips on how to rekindle and strengthen that bond.

1. The role of friendship in a relationship

• Shared Interests, Values, and Goals
• Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy

The Role of Friendship in a Relationship

“Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” ~ Dr. Gottman

In the realm of relationships, where love and commitment intertwine, friendship bears deep significance. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, has beautifully captured the essence of this dynamic in his exploration of the friendship foundation.

According to Dr. Gottman’s groundbreaking work, laying the friendship foundation involves cultivating a deep and meaningful connection with your partner that extends beyond romantic love.

In a true friendship, couples engage in acts of kindness, share laughter and joy, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. They are each other’s best friends, confidants, and allies in navigating the ups and downs of life. This friendship creates a sense of safety, security, and acceptance within the relationship, fostering a deep emotional bond that serves as a strong foundation for long-term happiness.

Dr. Gottman believes that friendship protects against developing an adversarial position toward each other. True friends grant one another the grace of assuming positive intent and allow room for imperfections. They refrain from magnifying or fixating on each other’s flaws, choosing instead to embrace them in light of the multitude of positive qualities they bring to the table.

However, when relationships begin to unravel, irritation takes root, and resentment begins to amass. This mounting discontent leads to emotional detachment and almost everything is construed in a negative light, a term Dr. Gottman refers to as “negative sentiment override“ where even neutral remarks are perceived as personal attacks.

After four decades of studying married couples, Dr. Gottman was able to predict, with 91% accuracy which marriages would end up in divorce which I summarized in this Youtube video.

Shared Interests, Values, and Goals

Friendship in marriage is not solely about enjoying leisure activities together, although shared interests do play a role. It goes beyond that to encompass a shared sense of purpose and a similar vision for the future. Couples who are friends first often have common values and goals that drive their decisions and actions.

For instance, Sarah and Mark, share a deep love for nature and a commitment to environmental sustainability. Their friendship is strengthened as they work together to reduce their ecological footprint, volunteer for conservation projects, and embark on hiking adventures. Their shared passion for nature not only deepens their bond but also gives them a sense of meaning and direction in life.

Similarly, friendship in a relationship can be nurtured through shared intellectual pursuits, such as discussing books, engaging in stimulating conversations or even attending workshops and lectures together. By exploring new ideas and learning together, couples create an enriching micro-culture within their relationship, fostering growth and connection. Here’s a fun Coaching Exercise to discover more about your partner and deepen the friendship bond.

Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy

Friendship is intimately intertwined with trust and emotional intimacy, both of which are crucial for the well-being of a marriage. Trust is the foundation upon which couples can rely on each other, knowing that they have each other’s backs and can count on their partner’s loyalty and support. Emotional intimacy involves opening up to one another, sharing vulnerabilities, and being receptive to each other’s emotions.

Consider the story of Eric and Emma, a couple who had been through challenging times individually. Their friendship enabled them to be honest and vulnerable with each other, sharing their deepest fears and insecurities without judgment. Through this emotional connection, they built a level of trust that allowed them to lean on each other during difficult times. Their friendship not only helped them weather storms but also brought them closer, fostering a sense of emotional security and a bond that could withstand the tests of time.

In essence, recognizing the immense significance of friendship is vital when it comes to creating a joyful and enriching marriage. Placing friendship as a priority nurtures a bond centered around shared interests, values, and goals, which in turn generates a distinct micro-culture within your relationship. By fostering trust and emotional closeness, you fortify the very foundation of your friendship, guaranteeing a close and enduring connection. When friendship takes center stage in your relationship, you’ll witness its magnificent transformation into a splendid voyage of love, support, and companionship.

2. Rediscovering Common Interests and Hobbies

• Exploring New Hobbies Together
• Communicating and Compromising on Individual Interests

Exploring New Hobbies Together

Exploring new hobbies together is vital because it fosters growth, strengthens bonds, and injects freshness into the relationship. Engaging in shared activities allows you to step out of your comfort zones and discover new aspects of yourself and your partner. By embarking on new hobbies, you challenge and support each other, creating opportunities for personal development and mutual encouragement.

For instance, let’s say you decide to take up dancing classes together. Through this shared hobby, you not only learn new dance moves but also improve coordination, communication, and trust. The experience of learning something new side by side can create a sense of unity and excitement, enhancing emotional connection and creating meaningful and lasting memories.

Communicating and Compromising on Individual Interests

These are key to fostering a healthy and thriving relationship. Openly discussing and understanding each other’s individual interests, develops a deep sense of connection and appreciation for one another’s uniqueness. Effective communication allows you to express your desires, passions, and needs, which in turn promotes a greater understanding of each other’s values and priorities.

For instance, you have a passion for travel while your partner prefers outdoor activities. By communicating your desires and interests, you can find compromises such as taking adventurous trips that combine both elements. You demonstrate a willingness to prioritize the happiness and fulfillment of your partner, fostering an atmosphere of support and compromise within the relationship. This can lead to a greater sense of teamwork and mutual respect, creating a solid foundation for long-term relationship success.

3. Supporting Each Other’s Growth and Individuality

• Respecting each other’s personal goals and aspirations
• Being supportive during life’s ups and downs
• Celebrating individual accomplishments and milestones

Respecting Each Other’s Personal Goals and Aspirations

In any healthy and fulfilling relationship, it is crucial to respect and support each other’s personal goals and aspirations. Each of you has unique dreams and ambitions that contribute to your personal growth and fulfillment. By honoring and encouraging these aspirations, you not only foster a sense of individuality but also strengthen the relationship bond.

To implement this, it’s essential to cultivate open and honest communication. Take the time to listen actively to your partner’s aspirations, dreams, and desires without judgment or interruption. Show genuine interest and curiosity in their goals, asking questions that demonstrate your support and encouragement.

For example, if your partner expresses an interest in starting their own business, instead of immediately pointing out the potential risks or challenges, try to understand their motivations and offer constructive feedback. Encourage them to create a realistic plan and discuss how you can support them along the way. By respecting their personal goals, you create a nurturing environment that allows each individual to flourish.

Being Supportive During Life’s Ups and Downs

Life is filled with ups and downs, and supporting each other through both the joys and the challenges is a crucial aspect of a healthy relationship. When faced with difficult times, such as career setbacks, health issues, or personal struggles, it’s important to be there for one another as a source of strength and comfort.

Practicing empathy and active listening is key during these moments. Seek to understand your partner’s emotions and validate their experiences. Avoid dismissing their concerns or rushing to offer solutions. Sometimes, all that is needed is a safe space to vent and express their feelings.

For instance, if your partner is going through a difficult time at work, you can offer emotional support by being a compassionate listener. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to express their feelings and concerns. Let them know that you are there for them and are willing to help in any way you can. This support will help them navigate the challenges with greater resilience and reinforce the trust and connection between you.

Celebrating Individual Accomplishments and Milestones

One of the most enjoyable aspects of a healthy relationship is celebrating each other’s accomplishments and milestones. Recognizing and celebrating individual successes fosters a sense of pride, happiness, and fulfillment in both partners. It creates an atmosphere of mutual support, where each person’s achievements are valued and acknowledged.

When your partner achieves a goal or milestone, take the time to genuinely celebrate their success. Express your pride and joy, and let them know how their accomplishment positively impacts you as well. Whether it’s completing a challenging project at work, reaching a personal fitness goal, or pursuing a hobby, find ways to celebrate together.

For example, if your partner successfully completes a marathon, you could plan a special outing or dinner to honor their achievement. Alternatively, you can surprise them with a thoughtful gift that aligns with their interests or passions. By demonstrating your support and celebrating their accomplishments, you reinforce the belief that you are on each other’s side, rooting for one another.

Remember, supporting each other’s growth and individuality is a continuous journey that requires effort, compassion, and understanding. By respecting personal goals, being supportive during challenging times, and celebrating accomplishments, you create a foundation of love and encouragement that enables you both to thrive as individuals and as a couple.

4. Laughter and Playfulness: Keeping the Friendship Alive

• The role of humor and laughter in a relationship
• Creating joyful moments together
• Embracing playfulness and spontaneity

The Role of Humor and Laughter in a Relationship

Humor and laughter play a crucial role in keeping the friendship bond alive. When you laugh together, it creates a sense of connection and bonding. Sharing laughter helps diffuse tension, reduces stress, and encourages a lighthearted and loving atmosphere. It is like a magic potion that can instantly uplift spirits and bring joy into the relationship.

One way to incorporate humor into your living space is by finding the funny side of everyday situations. Instead of taking minor mishaps or misunderstandings too seriously, try to see the humor in them. For example, if your partner accidentally spills a drink, you can choose to get upset or simply laugh it off together. Sharing a light moment like this can bring you closer and strengthen your emotional connection.

It’s important to note that humor should be used in a respectful and inclusive manner. Sarcasm, put-downs, or jokes that hurt your partner’s feelings have no place in a healthy relationship. The goal is to use humor as a tool to uplift and connect, rather than as a weapon to belittle or demean. So let laughter be the soundtrack of your relationship, and remember to have fun along the journey, together.

Creating Joyful Moments

Creating joyful moments together is an essential part of keeping the friendship alive in a relationship. These moments provide a break from the routine and allow you to reconnect on a deeper level. Joy can be found in simple activities or shared interests that bring both partners happiness.

One way to create joyful moments is by engaging in activities that you both enjoy. It could be as simple as going for a hike, cooking a meal together, or watching a funny movie. By actively participating in activities that bring you joy, you not only strengthen the bond between you but also infuse your relationship with positive energy.

Another way to create joyful moments is by surprising your partner with small acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. Leave a sweet note on their pillow, plan a surprise date night, or prepare their favorite dessert. These small gestures can go a long way in creating a sense of joy and appreciation within the relationship.

Remember, it’s not just the grand gestures that matter; even the little moments of joy and laughter can have a profound impact on the overall happiness of your relationship.

Embracing Playfulness and Spontaneity

Nurturing playfulness can inject a sense of freshness and fun into your relationship. Engaging in playful behaviors like tickling, play wrestling, or even playful competitions helps to cultivate a sense of freedom and allows you to let go of inhibitions. This can be extremely refreshing and invigorating for your relationship.

It’s crucial to discover new facets of your relationship and keep the sense of novelty alive so why not sign up for a dance class, take a cooking workshop, or go on a spontaneous road trip?..you’re bound to find some playful moments in such activities.

Don’t be afraid to be silly and playful with each other. Engage in playful banter, have tickle fights, or play board games together. Allowing yourselves to be vulnerable and carefree in each other’s presence strengthens the emotional bond and fosters a deep sense of intimacy.

Remember, playfulness doesn’t have to be limited to specific activities. It can also be infused into your everyday interactions. Incorporate inside jokes, playful teasing, or surprise gestures into your daily routine to keep the spirit of play alive. Create moments of laughter that will last a lifetime.

5. Strong friendships can withstand challenges and conflicts

• Resolving Conflicts Respectfully
• The Connection Between Conflict And Growth,
• Conflict and Growth

Resolving Conflict Respectfully

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and how you handle it can either strengthen or weaken your bond. Resolving conflicts respectfully is a fundamental aspect of being best friends in a relationship. It means approaching disagreements with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to find a solution that works for both partners.

Dr. John Gottman identified four negative communication patterns called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that can be detrimental to relationships. These patterns include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To maintain a strong friendship, it is crucial to avoid these destructive behaviors and cultivate healthier alternatives. I talk about it here in this fun Youtube video:

For instance, instead of resorting to criticism, which attacks the character of your partner, focus on specific behaviors that you would like to see changed. By making gentle requests for behavior change rather than labeling your partner, you create an environment where constructive communication can thrive.

Conflict and Growth

Conflicts, when approached with a growth mindset, can lead to personal and relational growth. When best friends in a relationship encounter disagreements, they have an opportunity to learn more about themselves and their partner. Conflict can bring unresolved issues and underlying emotions to the surface, allowing couples to address them and grow together.

Let’s look at this through the following framework of A). Negative emotions, B). No one is right C) Acceptance is crucial D) Fondness and admiration

Negative Emotions

Negative emotions which often accompany conflict, are important in the process of resolving issues. They serve as indicators of unmet needs or areas of concern and can be valuable signals for personal and relational growth. Instead of suppressing or avoiding these emotions, best friends in a relationship embrace them as opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.

Example: rather than lashing out with hurtful words when feeling upset, express your emotions by saying, “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans without discussing it with me. Can we find a way to communicate better about these decisions?”

No One Is Right

No one is right in a conflict. It is essential to recognize that each partner has their own perspective, experiences, and valid emotions. By acknowledging and respecting these differences, couples can engage in productive dialogue that leads to mutual understanding and resolution. This understanding fosters empathy, compassion, and a stronger bond between best friends in a relationship.

Example: Instead of saying, “You’re wrong about this,” try saying, “I see your point, and I hope you can also understand where I’m coming from. Let’s find a middle ground that works for both of us.”

Acceptance Is Crucial

Acceptance involves acknowledging and valuing your partner’s unique qualities, even when you disagree. It means seeing beyond differences and appreciating the person as a whole. This mindset fosters a safe and non-judgmental environment for resolving conflicts.

Example: You notice that your partner becomes visibly frustrated with your opposing political viewpoint. Instead of retaliating or dismissing his feelings, take a deep breath and remind yourself of the importance of acceptance. Recognize that your partner’s frustration comes from a place of passion and genuine concern, even if it disagrees with your stance.

Fondness and Admiration

By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. ~ Dr. John Gottman

Building a strong friendship involves maintaining a deep fondness and admiration for one another. By intentionally highlighting the positive aspects of each other and the relationship, partners create a positive context in which conflicts can be approached and navigated more effectively.

Example: During a conflict, remind your partner of your fondness and admiration by saying, “Even though we have different opinions on this matter, I want you to know that I still deeply value and appreciate you as my partner.”

Why a strong friendship can withstand challenges and conflicts

A strong friendship forms the bedrock of a resilient relationship. When you prioritize your friendship, you invest in building a deep connection based on trust, respect, and shared values. The friendship acts as a buffer during challenging times, allowing you to weather storms together and emerge stronger.

One study found that during a conflict discussion, 65% of men escalated their wives’ negativity by responding with one of the Four Horsemen. This statistic highlights the importance of cultivating a strong friendship to counteract the negative effects of conflict. When you are best friends in a relationship you have a solid foundation, and are more likely to respond to conflict with understanding, empathy, and a focus on finding resolutions rather than exacerbating the negativity. In my blog, I go deeper into resolving conflict by fighting fair.

It’s Worth It!

In a society that often idolizes romance and passion as the ultimate markers of a successful relationship, it is essential to recognize the profound importance of cultivating a strong foundation of friendship. Being best friends within a romantic partnership forms the cornerstone of a deep and meaningful connection that transcends fleeting infatuations and superficial attractions.

Friendship provides the invaluable glue that holds couples together, enabling them to weather the inevitable storms that life throws their way. When the initial sparks of romance dim and the intensity of passion fluctuates, it is the enduring friendship that sustains the bond. True friendship fosters trust, understanding, and empathy, allowing partners to lean on each other during times of hardship, vulnerability, and personal growth.

But it’s not just about surviving the challenges; being best friends in love also allows for the cherishing of beautiful moments together. Sharing a genuine friendship means creating a space where both partners can be their authentic selves, free from judgment or pretense. It means finding joy in each other’s company, engaging in shared hobbies and interests, and celebrating each other’s accomplishments and milestones. It is within the framework of friendship that couples can cultivate a sense of camaraderie, laughter, and lightness that brings color and vibrancy to their relationship.

Rekindling and nurturing the friendship within your relationship requires intentional effort and a commitment to ongoing growth. It involves carving out quality time for shared experiences, engaging in open and honest communication, and actively listening to one another’s hopes, dreams, and concerns. It means being present, curious, and attentive to the nuances of each other’s lives. It means being willing to support and uplift each other, while also respecting individuality and personal boundaries. A friendship-centered relationship offers a secure foundation and a sense of belonging, acceptance, and love that is unmatched.

Let’s Work It Out

If you feel that your relationship is not working and could benefit from a fresh start, a new direction, or a new level of connection, my Coaching Practice offers a welcoming space where you can shape the relationship you truly desire.

Embrace the opportunity for growth through Couples Coaching and develop the essential skills for deeper intimacy, effective communication, and lasting friendship. Using evidence-based tools and techniques, I will help you uncover your strengths and weaknesses, enabling us to craft a personalized Action Plan for a more gratifying and meaningful partnership.

Rewrite a new relationship story where you experience more joy, vulnerability, and a loving bond. Reserve your spot now for a FREE, private ‘Couple’s Strategy Session, and let’s collaborate to manifest the relationship of your dreams!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my blog. Your presence here means the world to me, and I hope you found value and inspiration in the words I shared. But the journey doesn’t have to end here. Let’s keep the conversation going, share our experiences, and uplift one another through social media, you’ll find my links below. In the meantime take your own Relationship Assessment in my Free Report...enjoy! 

Until we meet again, take care, stay inspired, and let’s make a positive difference in the world.

See ya soon! 🌻

With Grace and Gratitude

Michelle

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